Hey everyone, Lindsay here.

Do you think that being radically honest seems pretty awesome, but you’re skeptical about how realistic it is to be REALLY honest in your marriage, partnership, or any kind of romantic and sexual relationship?

Do you doubt that Radical Honesty is “good” for intimate relationships? Does it seem too risky?

Are you aching to be more deeply connected with your spouse, your partner, your lover, and you know you’re not as vulnerable and forthcoming as you could be, but you’re scared to open up and get real?

Are you TERRIFIED to honestly and directly express anger in your relationship/s, and you avoid conflict at all costs?

Are you looking for some testimony from folks who have practiced Radical Honesty while dating each other?

Then please read on!

I’m writing to share some dialogue between Mak (another Radical Honesty Trainer) and me about our relationship history, to give you some tips for being radically honest in your romantic relationships, and to invite you to my Radical Honesty for Lovers Online Class this March 16 - May 25, 2024.

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, I’d absolutely LOVE to spend these sessions practicing Radical Honesty with you and your partner/s and support you in creating the relationship you envision.

Here’s some conversation between Mak and me:

Lindsay: We talked about honesty the first time we hung out, on our first date.

I asked, “Do you think of yourself as an honest person?”

Can you remember what you thought, being asked that question by a new acquaintance? How did you answer?

Mak: I think I got very philosophical and technical and started asking questions about what it meant to be honest, and specifically does it mean sharing every thought that occurs to me. I was excited to be asked, and also wanted to impress you, and of course, did not have the self awareness to tell you that at the time.

L: Yeah, I remember thinking that it seemed like you wanted to have a clever answer for me :) And I probably thought I was being pretty clever and impressive asking you that question the first time we hung out.

L: So, back then you wondered if being honest meant sharing every thought that occurs to you. What do you think about that now?

M: Now I think of it more like, it’s more about expressing the important thing that you are withholding. That’s usually the barometer that I use for myself. It’s not about sharing every random, inconsequential thought, or about inconsequential things that I did, but after a while you get a feel for the things that you’re actively withholding because you want to control the other person’s perception of you, or control their behavior, or their reaction. After a while, you become attuned to that process within you and then that’s the thing that becomes important to share.

L: What were conversations about honesty like in your past relationships? Is honesty something you talked about with past partners? Were you pretty honest with past partners?

M: I don’t think I ever had any conversations about honesty. I doubt that I ever talked about honesty with any of my partners previous to you. And I think I was horribly dishonest for the most part. I think I cheated probably on every girlfriend I ever had, except with you.

L: Which makes it more funny that you got clever with your answer to the honesty question, instead of just saying, “No, I’m mostly full of shit and have been horribly dishonest.” And of course you answered the way that most of us would, prior to intentionally choosing to be more honest and forthcoming.

Lindsay: Do you think practicing Radical Honesty had more of a positive or negative impact on our relationship?

Mak: I think HUGELY positive. I think of our relationship as being based on radical honesty from the very beginning, and sort of the defining element of our relationship. I think that it was a huge growth experience for me.

And I always worried that I was getting more growth out of our relating to each other and that it was actually harmful to you and that I was using you in some way—that our relationship was harmful for you and that I was sticking with it because it was benefitting me in terms of my own personal growth.

L: Yeah, we’ve talked about that some and I’ll share my perspective on it in Part 2 of this conversation. For now I’ll say that I was also learning a lot about myself and growing in ways that I imagine were less obvious when we were in the thick of it and I also believe that our level of honesty with each other had a much more positive impact on our relationship, and ultimately on who I am now, individually.

L: What sort of personal growth did you experience from being in a relationship that was built on a foundation of Radical Honesty?

M: In simplest terms, coming face to face with my own insecurities created huge growth. Basically I think that most of us, most of the time, are playing nice with each other. We get a sense for what people are insecure about so we avoid being honest with them about those particular things in order to not offend. I think that we had an agreement, and you made a point to tell me things you didn’t like about my behavior, or the way that I was thinking, or the way that I was relating to you, or simply, you were being honest about the things that you were doing that I might feel sensitive about.

So just coming to terms with my insecurities and having someone, you, who stuck with me through that process, rather than saying, “Yep, here’s all this shit that I don’t like about you, and that you don’t like about yourself, now go deal with that on your own.” We did that in relationship together. I think that was the most powerful thing.

Lindsay: What do you imagine was possible in our relationship that wouldn’t have been without Radical Honesty?

Mak: The first thing that comes to mind for me is that we had an open relationship. I don’t see how that would have worked at all without Radical Honesty.

Also me dealing with my sexual insecurities. Around you dating other people and me imagining that I wasn’t good enough or satisfying you enough, and wasn’t dominant enough… Being able to be open and honest about my insecurities was a major bonus and a major positive for me.

Talking about those insecurities openly, over time, helped me to become more comfortable talking about those things and then ultimately led to me getting over them, rather than being stuck in pretending that I felt confident and wasn’t affected by your judgments and desires that I thought I couldn’t satisfy. For example, I could be honest rather than trying to put on a show of being dominant when I wasn’t feeling that way, in order to try and feel like a worthy, masculine male partner. Talking about those concerns, even and especially when I felt embarrassed to, helped me let go of thinking that I actually had to live up to any particular standards of masculinity or dominance.

Lindsay: What do you imagine was more challenging in our relationship because of practicing Radical Honesty? Was it worth the challenge?

Mak: I remember how challenging it was for us when I would share the things that I struggled with in my attraction to you- my judgments about your appearance, things like that. Sometimes I question whether that was worth it, whether we gained something from me sharing those things with you or if it was just painful.

L: Those conversations about your lack of physical attraction for me were definitely some of the most challenging I’ve had, and I don’t know that I’ve been on the receiving end of honest sharing in a more painful way… and now I’m imagining myself pretty vain if that’s the worst stuff I’ve heard! And still, I wouldn’t choose to go back in time and erase those conversations. Your honesty on that topic (which was also SUPER hard for you!) helped me to see just how much importance I placed on men finding me physically attractive and I imagine I’ve been able to work through loads of issues that I wouldn’t have if we’d never had those conversations.

I’d love to explore this topic more and have a bigger conversation around it! I find it VERY interesting. Is there any amount of honesty that is TOO MUCH HONESTY? Are certain topics universally off limits? Can it be healthier to agree that there are things (like our judgments about a partner’s appearance) that we simply won’t share with each other for the overall health of a relationship?

Let’s talk about this more and open up the conversation to others, and I’ll also say a bit more about it in Part 2 of this conversation.

Lindsay: What did you learn about honesty in our relationship and through practicing Radical Honesty that now benefits you in new relationships?

Mak: I think that I learned that being in a relationship that isn’t fully honest is dissatisfying and uninteresting to me and that I relate to those kinds of relationships as a drag, a pain in the ass, not enriching, not nurturing, and I have no interest in having serious, meaningful relationships that don’t operate on a really high level of honesty. I think that I also learned about taking care of myself and not relying on/depending on someone else to fill the void and make me whole. I’ve gotten to a place where I’m really content with being on my own and taking care of myself and not needing somebody else to take care of me.

L: When reflecting on our relationship and any you’ve had since beginning to practice Radical Honesty, what are the 3 most important tips you’d give people who’d like to be more honest in their relationships, with their partners/spouses, or when they meet a new love interest?

1. Be fully honest from the very beginning. Try to drop the idea of making a good first impression that you then have to come clean about later on. Simply say all the shit you’re afraid to say right up front. Not only does that accelerate the intimacy in the relationship, it also frees you up to be yourself and to discover if this is someone that you want to be in relationship with, rather than that process taking lots of time because you’re both putting on a good show and trying to make a good impression.

2. Look for the most vulnerable thing. Sometimes if too much focus is put on just being honest, you might stop shy of the painful truth that’s hiding underneath or driving some kind of behavior. Like driving anger or driving defensiveness could be shame, for example. And for a lot of men, for me, admitting shame was the most vulnerable and most painful thing. And because I didn’t have the framework of looking for the most vulnerable thing, I was just looking for the most honest thing, there was something that I tended to miss for a long time.

3. When meeting new people, honesty is a fantastic sorting device. When you be real with people, it kind of speeds up the process of moving people away from you who actually don’t like who you are and what you have to offer, and attracting people who really do like who you are, warts and all. Being radically honest kind of polarizes people, typically, so rather than keeping lots of people lukewarm, people move into, hey I like you or hey I don’t. Which is great. That’s great information.

That IS great information!

STAY TUNED! Mak and I will continue this dialogue when he poses some questions for me in Part 2 of the conversation that we’ll share with you next week.

Our hope in sharing this conversation (and Part 2) with you is that you’ll be inspired and encouraged to be more honest in your own relationships, and to see that even though things can get challenging and painful, it might just be worth it anyway!

For the last couple years Mak and I have been plotting to create and offer workshops for people in romantic relationships with each other, imagining that we have A LOT to offer since we practiced Radical Honesty together since Day 1, practiced it through the end of our romantic relationship and the transition into friendship, and still have a radically honest foundation from which we relate, to this day.

Join me (Lindsay) this spring for my upcoming series, Radical Honesty for Lovers Online Class on Saturdays from March 16th - May 25th! If you’re ready to stop hiding behind pretenses and people pleasing in your relationship/s, if you’re ready to be vulnerable, revealing, powerful, and boldly self expressed with your loved ones, if you’re ready to truly know your special someone/s and let them know you, and if you’re ready to say what you really desire and create the relationship you’ve always wanted, then you're ready for this class!

Whether you’re in a monogamous partnership or polyamorous relationships, whether you’re at the beginning of a romantic connection or are working on an intentional end or transition out of a relationship, and even if you’re currently single and want to cultivate some new practices to bring into your next union, if you want to be more honest and self expressed in your relationships, this class is for YOU!

I am passionately eager to support you in this way! Let’s do it.

Lindsay

Lindsay St. Antoine is an honesty coach and Radical Honesty Trainer in Denver, Colorado. In addition to providing one-on-one coaching, she also leads in-person and online Radical Honesty workshops.

Upcoming Workshops Led by Lindsay:

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